I have come to the conclusion that I just don’t need to be in a relationship. In fact, I don’t want it. I am currently, actively running away from the prospect of being in a romantic relationship. But, how did I even get here? Well, yes, while we can thank Miss Rona for giving me unlimited time to think and reevaluate my life as well as evaluate the lives of others, this is something that may have been developing for a while.
Before we get to the things I learned about myself, let’s talk about what I learned from observing other people’s relationships. So many times I come across a relationship where one or both parties aren’t being as communicative as they can be — and I don’t just mean talking about feelings. People aren’t being made aware of plans the other has, or of simple preferences that their partner has. I’ve been there and that shit was painful as well as tiring. Never again. Speaking of bad communication, this is apparently acceptable behaviour for a relationship; how? How is your partner not doing a simple task after being asked multiple times something I must expect from a relationship? Then the other partner is nagging for asking you to wash dishes for the TENTH TIME. That’s just one example, but there are so many things I’ve seen that are being played off as normal for a relationship. One partner threatening the other if they try to leave, a person not allowing their partner to be friends with the gender of their attraction, (lawd help me and my bisexual self,) general toxic traits we accept cause at least we can say we’re in a relationship. I forgot where I was going with that.
Anyway; another thing I recognised was that the things I thought I needed in life were a perpetuation of societal standards that were placed on me from too early. Those standards were further perpetuated in these healthy, perfect relationships that I was force-fed throughout my life. But I grew and learned that these images aren’t real or at least not the full picture. This brings me to the point I played a part in but still really dislike: the need to be perfect in public. This is two? threefold, maybe? I didn’t want anyone to know my business, still don’t. So, if I and a partner on bad terms, I don’t go around telling people about it till we figure it out first. Next; I used to do it but, I can’t stand seeing people posting their relationship online. It’s YOUR relationship, I don’t want to be a part of it. Special moments are fine, but not a play by play of everyting suh. And then there’s the fact that when that relationship is broadcasted, it is made to look like there is nothing wrong under the sun. I don’t need it, you can keep it.
Now let’s talk about what I learned about myself, directly, that helped change my mind. I have always had a hard time starting new relationships. If I’m in a public setting, something can happen, but I am not confident enough to be on these dating sites/apps to try and win the affections of others (there are a lot of insecurities to go along with that, but time and place). It all just feel like a lot of work and I am lazy. As a matter of fact, I already find it hard to maintain my current relationships. I have a hard time thinking the people I’m friends with are really friends with me and trying to have a conversation becomes a fight between me and my negative thoughts. I can’t add any more people to that list. Moving on.
I do not want to share my space with someone. Not always. I currently live with family and I love them dearly, but there are days when I want to have the freedom of living in my own place. Luckily that desire is not stronger than my need to save some coin. But the discomfort still exists and not everyone will be able to accept that I will need major space for an undisclosed amount of time. This reminds me; sharing your life with someone else is so much work. I used to say I want to be three years deep into a relationship without going through those three years and I stand by that. However, I am very aware that is not how it works and I just don’t have the energy to learn about another person to, then, readjust my life to fit theirs into, next to mine. Furthermore, that brings me to my habit of being over considerate. If I were to get into another relationship soon, I don’t know which side of the spectrum I’ll land on. Either I’ll go back to that over considerate fool, or I’ll be so opposite that I’ll ruin the relationship without meaning to. Remember when I mentioned society’s standards earlier? Yea, I have come to realise that I don’t want that. So, I’m redefining the things I want from my life. I just want to be responsible for and to myself. I don’t need to have anyone else’s feelings or thoughts as part of my responsibility.
I would say I’m still open to the possibility of being in a relationship, but then that would make me open to all sorts of foolishness. I just want to focus on my own accomplishments and development before I can see myself adding someone else to that formula. I don’t think poorly of anyone who wants to be in a relationship, I have just found my thoughts and actions surrounding being in relationships haven’t been the best. I have been relearning and stopping a cycle I noticed within myself.